and the silence echoes like thunder. it screams until it’s all I can do to keep from screaming back. lonliness and silence are the same thing. time seems to stand still and I can’t seem to find the energy to move. the lonliness and silence weigh me down and take all my will to move forward. no one understands. to be needed is vital. to be wanted is beautiful. am i needed or wanted…NO! where is my worth.? do i have any?

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Saturday depression

i am depressed and lonely today just as i am most days. bruce is working and liz is out of town in missouri with her boyfriend visiting his parents. she is supposed to be back tomorrow but will be staying at her boyfriends house in davenport until monday. I just dont know what to do with myself most days. The silence and lonliness just screams at me and I want to scream back. I want to cry all the time from lonliness and the feeling of uselessness. This is not self pity. It is something much deeper, from deep down in my soul, my spirit. I need to be needed, to be wanted to be loved and appreciated. Appreciated for what…I don’t know. Do I have a purpose in life, a mission, a God given reason to get up in the morning? Just doesn’t seem like it. I keep searching but I’m getting tired from searching and not finding any answers. How do you give up? My kids don’t need me anymore. bruce has never needed me. I need them or someone to love and need me. I don’t know how to live without being needed. I don’t know how to love or be loved without being needed.

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I am now on day two of eating healthier, NOT dieting. I can’t diet. Doesn’t work for me. I have become morbidly obese in medical terms. Totally fat and miserable in my terms. I dream of losing 100 pounds and feeling good instead of having my legs hurting day and night. I want to go on vacation but what good would that be if I can’t walk anywhere?

 Food is an addiction with me. I used to eat when I was hungry. Now I eat because I am emotional and I am so used to turning to food to “feel better”, at least for a little while. I have gotten to the point where I have done that so long that I eat and eat just to TRY to feel better. I only feel worse in the end. More disgusted with myself. When I am upset, I eat more. I eat more and I end up more upset, disgusted with myself. Then I eat more because of feeling so emotional. Vicious cycle for sure.

I am so fat that it is an effort to “bother” with preparing something healthy to eat instead of just grabbing an unhealthy snack. I have to bother though. This situation has become critical for me. I HAVE TO change the way I eat or I will not have a life. I don’t have much of one now because I struggle to walk even half a block and it exhausts me. I can’t do stairs at all.

 I can’t get on my knees because they won’t support my weight. Kneeling and praying is out of the question. I know God listens anyway but there is something special about kneeling before the Lord. I want to go to church but the church I want to go to has a bunch of stairs to the lower level where a lot of activities take place. I can’t do stairs. I also cannot stand around visiting for more than 5 minutes or so. My legs hurt too much. Fellowship is so important and I would be embarrased to have to sit to visit.  I don’t even have much to wear that fits me anymore that would be appropriate for church. Only one pair of dress pants and some jeans.

 I can’t go shopping with my friends because I can’t walk. I have to shop where they have those electric scooter carts for their customers. There are very few places that have them besides Walmart and Sam’s club. So, those places get most of my business. I am a bargain shopper so it really bothers me that I have to be so limited because I am fat and cannot walk more than a VERY short distance.

Why and how have I gotten this way? I know, one pound at a time and I have to accept that losing the weight will also be one pound at a time and will take time. I have to remember that time passes quickly, especially at my age, and even though my dream of losing 100 pounds is a big one, it will come true if I believe it and I am willing to work at it. Maybe I can try to have the mind set that this is not WORK. That this healthy eating is a challange, it’s an activity that will definately improve my life.

The Lord wants to give us our heart’s desire and He doesn’t want us to be miserable. I CAN do this with HIM on my side. I WILL lose weight and feel better. I will be able to walk and enjoy life. I will be able to stop crying about the embarrasing way I look and feel. I will be able to wear nice clothes. I will be able to do fun things with my friends. I will feel more like finding new friends without being so worried about the way I look. I will feel better emotionally, physically and spiritually too.

Please Lord, fill me with the desire and willpower I need to live a better life. Help me to ease the burdens on my family that my eating addictions have caused. Thank-You Lord. Amen


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Confusing Friday

What am I confused about? Why did I feel like getting up at 5:30 A.M. this morning to start my day when the days seem SOOOO long anyway? It’s almost noon and I am tired but have at least 9 more hours to go until bedtime. Got to go to breakfast in maquoketa and then to walmart for supplies. First time I have been out of the house since Monday. Feeling really lonely. Jonathan at work, Liz at school, Bruce at work. Answered a couple emails about Abby’s puppies. Answered a call about them. Vacuumed the entry mat in store. Called tax office and left message asking Jodie to call me back about Liz’s income. Partly cloudy, temps in the 30’s. Yada, yada, yada. Praying for some company today Please Lord.

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Misc. thoughts

Snow, snow, snow. supposed to get 3 to 6″. Liz home today. Thank God. Bruce working noon till 8. Praying for safe travel for him. What am I gonna do today? Praying the Lord keeps me busy in a good way. Jonathan coming home early today because of snow. Puppies doing good. Abigail has 6 beautiful pups and they will be 7 weeks old on Sunday. Liz has speech competition tomorrow in Monticello. Praying they postpone it. Worried about walking too much inside Monticello school. My knees hurt a lot when I walk too much. Praying the Lord will help with that. I know I need to lose a lot of weight. I need help. Lots of help. Please Lord, help me.

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Misc. First Blog Thoughts

Wow, a blog. What am I going to do with this? Early morning plans for the day? What is stressing me out? What am I worried about? Why? What am I happy about? Why? What do I feel like discussing…or not…and why or why not? Am I okay with being alone today? No? Well then what am I going to do about it? What CAN I do about it? Should I go somewhere? Where? Why? It’s bitterly cold outside today. I can brave the cold…right? Please Lord, give me the strength. I need to get out of the house.

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Cruddy Monday

what do you do when everyone around you is in a horrible mood and name calling and verbally beating u up? You pray because there is nothing else. you pray for them, and for whatever their excuse for being hateful is, to go away. You hang on to “Jesus Loves ME” as a promise that is true and real. You pray for strength to avoid being drawn in to their seemingly miserable, hateful world. You pray for peace and calmness for them. You try to be unselfish and not pray for yourself but you have to pray for yourself because is the only way you feel you can survive. Spiritual and emotional pain is somethng u cannot stay away from. Even if unconscious, your mind and spirit are active and can still suffer the agony of rejection, betrayal and heartache. God seems far away  sometimes but faith is believing he is holding us whenever we need him to be, whether we know it or not.

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