Dreams

I am now on day two of eating healthier, NOT dieting. I can’t diet. Doesn’t work for me. I have become morbidly obese in medical terms. Totally fat and miserable in my terms. I dream of losing 100 pounds and feeling good instead of having my legs hurting day and night. I want to go on vacation but what good would that be if I can’t walk anywhere?

 Food is an addiction with me. I used to eat when I was hungry. Now I eat because I am emotional and I am so used to turning to food to “feel better”, at least for a little while. I have gotten to the point where I have done that so long that I eat and eat just to TRY to feel better. I only feel worse in the end. More disgusted with myself. When I am upset, I eat more. I eat more and I end up more upset, disgusted with myself. Then I eat more because of feeling so emotional. Vicious cycle for sure.

I am so fat that it is an effort to “bother” with preparing something healthy to eat instead of just grabbing an unhealthy snack. I have to bother though. This situation has become critical for me. I HAVE TO change the way I eat or I will not have a life. I don’t have much of one now because I struggle to walk even half a block and it exhausts me. I can’t do stairs at all.

 I can’t get on my knees because they won’t support my weight. Kneeling and praying is out of the question. I know God listens anyway but there is something special about kneeling before the Lord. I want to go to church but the church I want to go to has a bunch of stairs to the lower level where a lot of activities take place. I can’t do stairs. I also cannot stand around visiting for more than 5 minutes or so. My legs hurt too much. Fellowship is so important and I would be embarrased to have to sit to visit.  I don’t even have much to wear that fits me anymore that would be appropriate for church. Only one pair of dress pants and some jeans.

 I can’t go shopping with my friends because I can’t walk. I have to shop where they have those electric scooter carts for their customers. There are very few places that have them besides Walmart and Sam’s club. So, those places get most of my business. I am a bargain shopper so it really bothers me that I have to be so limited because I am fat and cannot walk more than a VERY short distance.

Why and how have I gotten this way? I know, one pound at a time and I have to accept that losing the weight will also be one pound at a time and will take time. I have to remember that time passes quickly, especially at my age, and even though my dream of losing 100 pounds is a big one, it will come true if I believe it and I am willing to work at it. Maybe I can try to have the mind set that this is not WORK. That this healthy eating is a challange, it’s an activity that will definately improve my life.

The Lord wants to give us our heart’s desire and He doesn’t want us to be miserable. I CAN do this with HIM on my side. I WILL lose weight and feel better. I will be able to walk and enjoy life. I will be able to stop crying about the embarrasing way I look and feel. I will be able to wear nice clothes. I will be able to do fun things with my friends. I will feel more like finding new friends without being so worried about the way I look. I will feel better emotionally, physically and spiritually too.

Please Lord, fill me with the desire and willpower I need to live a better life. Help me to ease the burdens on my family that my eating addictions have caused. Thank-You Lord. Amen

 

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About storeladymama

Mother of 3, Grandmother of 5, Wife, Small business owner for the past 14 years, Christian, love dogs, reading, socializing, etc.
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